What do I do when someone doesn’t believe I’m aspec?
So, you’ve put the plan together, you’ve gotten your back ups all planned, and you are ready to come out to someone. You are in as safe a place as possible, and you tell them that you are asexual. You are prepared with definitions, with literature, with a whole lecture if necessary.
Or, you are walking down the street in your asexual t-shirt, or typing in a cafe with the ace sticker on your laptop. Or even, and this is the worst, walking around a Pride event with an Ace/Aro/AroAce flag strapped on as a cape.
You are met with suggestions for therapy. You are told that you should seek a doctor’s assistance. They argue back that your experience is not really your own. They ask if you’ve ever tried sex/being in a relationship/hooking up/whatever they think will “cure” or “fix” you. You are told to get out, because asexuality is made up, just for people that are angling for attention, that it’s not real.
I’m so sorry. That’s something that a lot of aspecs deal with, and it is hard, every single time. You’ve put yourself out there, more or less in a vulnerable place, and you are slapped down for it.
Reactions? Evaluate your circumstances.
Ignore/Get Someone Else to Help: For a nasty comment online, can you block/delete the commentator? Is there a moderator that you can alert to the person who might be harrassing you? For a cat call on the street, can you just roll your eyes and walk on? (Please be sure you are safe to do so!) Is it wortht the argument with strangers? Do you want to educate strangers who approach you? In all likelyhood, people who have approached you with opinions on your behavior or your sexuality are not the people who will be willing to be educated. There is the outside chance that the person who saw your laptop sticker, sat themselves down at your cafe table, and told you that what you are is a myth are willing to listen. When you find that person, be sure to take a picture to share with all your friends later.
Save/Share/Remember the Comments for Later: This is a side note to the first category. Ignoring the problem, while it can be safer in the moment, is not always the best for our mental health. Sometimes the most therapeutic thing to do is screenshot the comment and share it all around, so that the absurdity can be properly mocked. I say screenshot, because we don’t want to give the commentator the power of the algorithm. For live commentary, I find remembering the juiciest comments just so you can make fun of them later a great coping strategy.
Educate: But this person is not a stranger. This person, who doesn’t believe you, is someone whose mind you’d like to change. They are a friend, or someone whose opinion matters to you. You feel they might be open to a change in opinion. If this is a prepared situation, like a come out speech, you might already have resources prepared. We happen to belong to one of those sexualities that almost requires education, though that is getting much better with the amount of better representation out there. Whip out those facts and figures if you need to. No, asexuality is not new. Words describing the condition (albeit medically, as a thing to be cured) date back to the 19th century. Yes, it is often MISdiagnosed as a medical condition. No, that does not mean I need therapy. Etc. Etc. Etc. You can have a few facts and/or prepared sentences for the more impromptu moments, too. Maybe that person at the cafe is actually genuinely open to learning. If you’re caught without a prepared speech or without facts and figures at your reach, you can refer them to the AVEN, if you wish. If you are not comfortable with education, we get to the next level:
Setting/Enforcing Boundaries: So, the cafe stranger is insistent on talking with you, and you can’t walk away. Or the person you’ve come out to is someone that you can’t avoid for the rest of your life. You don’t want to spend the rest of your lunch (or your life) educating this person on asexuality. Or you have educated this person, and they either still don’t believe you, or you can see the conversation heading into uncomfortable/unsafe territory. (See last week’s article, “How do I get people to stop asking about my sex life?”.) It’s time to set and maintain those boundaries. It could be as simple as calmly stating, “I am not going to answer that.” You can explain that it makes you uncomfortable to talk about XYZ, but be careful. For some people, making you uncomfortable is the goal. They’ve won. But shutting them down doesn’t give a stranger that power over you. Boundaries for the people that are closer to us are much more nuanced and complicated. Hopefully you have a healthy, loving relationship with this person, and they will respect your stated boundaries. I wouldn’t say “agree to disagree”, because we don’t disagree. They are wrong. But there is a peace that can be maintained if it has to be. Mutual ignoring of an issue can work in the short term. And in the long term:
Walk away: We’ve come around to the first solution, kinda. Sometimes the only thing you can do in this situation is walk away from the relationship. It sucks. And it is hard. But preserving your own mental health and sense of safety is more important than any relationship. Especially if you are in a situation where the person who thinks you are wrong, that you need medical help, has the power to force that medical help onto you. If you possibly can, get out.
Well, that got dark quick. But hopefully that is only an extreme case scenario. I hope you’ve gotten some good, less drastic strategies for dealing with the people that don’t believe you!
Thanks for reading! As always, if you have any questions that you would like me to explore, feel free to reply, send me a DM, start a chat, send a smoke signal, carrier pigeon, however you want to contact me!